The five stages of marriage and how to cope (with Video)

Marriage requires effort, but the rewards are worth it. With a 50/50 success rate, it’s essential to understand the five stages of marriage and what to expect in each. This article offers insight and strategies to help you thrive in your relationship, no matter where you are on your journey together. By being proactive and intentional, you can build a strong, loving partnership that lasts a lifetime.

This blog post recently featured in the “Love with the Lines” Podcast in the USA. You can listen below.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

Thomas Merton

Marriage is a journey that has five distinct stages. 

The five stages of marriage

• Stage 1: The honeymoon

• Stage 2: Building a life with your partner

• Stage 3: Disillusionment

• Stage 4: Adjustment: Dissolution, Resignation or Contentment

• Stage 5: Renewal and marital bliss

Stage 1: The honeymoon stage

The first stage is the honeymoon- from before marriage to the first few years of living together. After that, couples discover each other with newness and excitement. Then, the influx of hormones makes couples “fall in love” and date with passion.

Spouses are happy in each other’s company and feel intense romantic love. At the honeymoon stage, lovers do things without effort and forget mistakes as soon as they occur. 

Challenges during the honeymoon stage of marriage

• Unrealistic expectations: Couples often have unrealistic expectations about their partner and marriage, leading to disappointment and frustration when these expectations are unmet.

• Balancing individual needs and wants with those of the relationship: As couples settle into a relationship, they may find it challenging to balance their needs and desires with their partner’s.

• Finding time for each other: With the demands of work, family, and other responsibilities, it can be challenging to find quality time for just the two of you.

Stage 2: Building a life with your partner

Building a life together with your spouse occurs during the second stage of marriage. It is not easy for two different individuals to join together as a couple and achieve emotional intimacy. That means tolerating each other’s quirks.

However, many couples long for the passionate and crazy stage of honeymoon, which is long gone.

For those who choose to have children, raising them occurs at this stage—those who decide not to have kids grow into a deeper understanding of themselves. 

Challenges during this stage of marriage

• Balancing individual needs and couple priorities: As both partners work on building their lives together, they may have different ideas and priorities, which can lead to conflicts in marriage.

• Maintaining intimacy and affection: Building a life together can be demanding and time-consuming, leaving little time for intimacy and love.

• Managing finances and household responsibilities: Decisions regarding household finances and responsibilities can become sources of conflict, especially when both partners have different ideas and approaches.

Stage 3: Disillusionment about marriage

“The pain of disillusionment is often a prelude to a deeper understanding and appreciation of life.”

M. Scott Peck

Eventually, couples realize it takes a lot of hard work and effort to build happy and stable marriages. Most partners also recognize that a good marriage is more than the union of two lovers but the involvement of their families.

Couples feel burdened by the growing demands of work, school, and leisure. Raising children also demands a lot of energy and attention.

All these activities reduce the time that spouses can spend together. Poor communication and failure to meet each other’s vital emotional needs can follow. So, partners feel like they are in a rut, and their passion has faded.

Challenges during the Disillusionment stage of marriage

• Dealing with the reality of everyday life and responsibilities

• Differences in opinions, values, and expectations are becoming more apparent

• Decreased feelings of romance and excitement

• Increased marital conflicts and dissatisfaction

Stage 4: Adjustment stage

Couples arrive at this stage when they contemplate the future of their marriage. Then, they make the difficult choice of whether they will continue with their union or not. There are three possible outcomes of the adjustment stage of marriage:

a. Dissolution

The truth is that divorce rates are high. More than 40% of couples eventually decide to end their marital unions. But that doesn’t have to be the case.

b. Resignation

A few per cent of couples decide to resign themselves to their fate. They conclude that their marriage probably isn’t going to get much better. So, they continue to live together but fail to achieve marital bliss. They may be sabotaging their marriage even without knowing it.

c. Contentment

A majority of couples continue living together and are content with their challenges. They work on their marital friendship by seeking new skills and knowledge. The perspective they gain helps them to rekindle their love. As a result, they pursue and achieve long-term unions with more profound satisfaction.

Common challenges during the adjustment stage of marriage

• Unresolved conflict: Couples may struggle to communicate effectively and resolve disputes, leading to ongoing tension and dissatisfaction.

• Lack of intimacy: Emotional intimacy and physical needs can decline during this stage, leading to feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

• Changing roles and responsibilities: As couples settle into their daily routines, they may find that their roles and responsibilities have changed, leading to dissatisfaction or resentment.

Stage 5: Renewal and marital bliss

The “renewal” stage signifies when couples return to the joy of marriage. They tap into what made them fall in love with each other in the first place. Such acts include sharing stories, remembering key moments and celebrating each other’s successes.

At this point, most couples have empty nests as their children have grown up.

Finally, couples feel safe and accept each other in their faults and glory. 

Challenges at the “Renewal and marital bliss” stage of marriage

• Keeping the spark alive: Couples may struggle to keep the romance and excitement in their relationship due to complacency or boredom.

• Balancing personal and shared interests: As partners may have developed separate interests over time, finding a balance between individual pursuits and shared activities can be difficult.

• Navigating life changes: Whether dealing with aging or ill health effects, couples may find it difficult to adjust to these challenges together.

What are some ways to restore the spark in your relationship, no matter the stage of your marriage?

• Understanding each other’s needs and perspectives: Make efforts to understand and meet your spouse’s vital emotional and physical needs in your marriage.

• Communicate well: Speak openly and honestly to your partner about your feelings about happenings in your marriage. Also, learn to listen well and not interrupt or blame your spouse for their feelings. 

• Set aside quality time: Scheduling regular date nights and other one-on-one time can help to prioritize the relationship and maintain intimacy.

• Embrace growth and change: Don’t resist the changes that occur with different stages of marriage. Instead, embrace growth and change. Approach it as a shared journey and support each other through it.

• Seek professional help: Work with your spouse to get help from relationship coaching, counselling or therapy. That is essential if your marriage is nearing the stage of disillusionment or Resignation. But don’t wait until it is too late. You both deserve a better union.

• Be patient and know that marriage passes through different seasons and stages, just like the changing seasons of life. Understand that your relationship can still turn around for the better. Don’t give up!

To recap

Now, you have the five stages of marriage and how you can restore the spark in your relationship.

• Stage 1: The honeymoon

• Stage 2: Building a life with your partner

• Stage 3: Disillusionment

• Stage 4: Adjustment: Dissolution, Resignation or Contentment

• Stage 5: Renewal and marital bliss

What stage is your marriage, and which of the above measures will you implement today?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Please leave your comments below, or let’s continue the discussion on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or Linkedin.

Thanks for your time.

Sources

Larson, J. H. (2003). The great marriage tune-up book. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.