Beware of these six love busters in your marriage

Do you want to avoid conflicts in your marriage? Do you desire a harmonious and blissful relationship with your spouse? Then, you need to beware of six love busters. Such bad habits can suffocate romantic love and wreck your marriage when practised regularly.

Marriage is a unique social construct. Depending on habits, spouses can be each other’s source of significant pleasure or pain. So please, choose your habits wisely. Also, couples must understand and satisfy each other’s vital emotional needs to build emotional intimacy with their partner.

I have adapted ideas in this post from the “His needs, her needs” book by Willard F. Harley, Jr. (No affiliation, just respect for a great author).

The six love busters and how to overcome them

Love busters are habits that cause conflicts and loss of empathy in unions. Also, they are controlling and abusive practices, increasing divorce chances.

Love buster 1: Selfish demands 

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

Oscar Wilde

Demanding that others meet our requests is born out of a controlling instinct to get whatever we want. This love buster is also a form of manipulation. Trying to force your spouse to meet your needs becomes a temporary solution at best. Demands are usually threatening and rarely build compatibility. Instead, they cause resentment, anger and marital conflicts.

Making demands is selfish. The partner making demands does not care if it is convenient for their spouse to honour the requests. Our spouse may be reluctant to honour our requests for many legitimate reasons. This reluctance may be due to their needs, comfort level, or sense of what’s wise or fair.

Solution

A better option is to make thoughtful requests for something we want. You explain what you would like and ask your spouse how they would feel fulfilling such a request. If your request will be unpleasant to fulfil, discuss other ways your spouse could help you.

Love buster 2: Disrespectful judgements

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. 

Elbert Hubbard

Disrespectful judgment is a way of presenting our problems as if they are our spouse’s faults. So we try to “straighten out” our partner to get our way. We attempt to convince ourselves that our opinion is superior to our spouse’s. 

Disrespectful judgment occurs whenever we try to impose our beliefs on our spouses—for instance, our political views or conspiracy theories on our mates. Other forms of disrespectful judgment include giving lectures or ridiculing our mates. Also, talking too much or preventing others from speaking up is very rude. 

As a love buster, disrespectful judgements breed unhappiness, disagreement and conflicts. Therefore, you could sabotage your marriage if you regularly disrespect your spouse.

Solution

Respectful persuasion is the better option. It means making efforts to reason with your partner’s opinions. Even when you disagree with their viewpoint, you should do so with respect. Practise effective communication by listening attentively and sharing ideas with your partner. Don’t jump to the conclusion that your partner’s opinion is wrong. 

Love buster 3: Angry outbursts 

Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the proper purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.

Aristotle

Feelings of anger usually arise in us based on how we interpret and react to certain situations. Each of us has different triggers for anger. Common triggers include conditions that leave us feeling threatened, attacked, frustrated or vulnerable.

Spouses that display angry outbursts believe they are being denied what they want. That there is injustice and a lack of fairness. When overcome in anger, we want to punish our spouse, whom we had promised to cherish and protect. We don’t care about our spouse’s feelings but threaten their safety and security. We lose the plot. An angry outburst is a hallmark of toxic relationships.

Acts of anger include ridicule, sarcasm, punishment, threatening or physical violence. There is nothing to gain from rage. 

Solution

The most effective anger management training programs focus attention on creating short-circuiting habits. For example, someone who is angry should avoid a frustrating situation. Another option is to follow a routine that relaxes muscles and lowers anxiety.

Love buster 4: Dishonesty

Time will inevitably uncover dishonesty and lies; history has no place for them. 

Norodom Sihanouk

Dishonesty is the strangest of the five love busters and the hardest to sort out. It strangles compatibility.

There are many reasons for dishonesty. One attempt to protect one’s partner from the harsh reality of the other’s bad behaviour. Other causes include trying to look good, avoiding trouble and compulsive lying. 

Dishonesty may “numb” some of our pain, but it compounds it later. The truth usually comes out eventually. The time of hiding the truth creates an emotional barrier and destroys trust. 

Solution

To create and sustain compatibility, you must practise radical honesty. It would be best if you came clean about your personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. Communicating your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, and dislikes is advisable. 

Love buster 5: Annoying habits

Knowledge is learning something new every day. Wisdom is letting go of some bad habits every day.

Farshad Asl

When was the last time your spouse did something that annoyed you? Annoying habits don’t seem all that important — but they still drive us crazy! But when our behaviour annoys others, we tend to downplay the whole problem. 

Annoying habits include personal mannerisms such as how you eat, how you talk or if you snore. Also, giving your partner the “silent” treatment or trying to win all arguments are wrong.

Solution

But how should you change your habits, so they are no longer annoying? It begins with realising that your annoying habits are damaging your relationship. So first, tell each other that eliminating annoying habits is a high priority for both of you. And then ask each other what annoys you the most, write it down, and go to work with a plan to end whatever bad habits you find.

Love buster 6: Independent behaviour 

Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal.

Louis K Anspacher

Independent behaviour is the conduct of one spouse that ignores the other’s feelings. It’s usually scheduled and requires some thought to executing. Examples include sporting events you attend or your exercise program.

Solution

The best way to overcome independent behaviours is to take them off your schedule. It would help if you switched such habits with something you can do with your spouse. Whatever you decide to do, be sure you and your spouse agree. As a result, both of you are happy, making decisions with each other’s interests and feelings in mind.

To Recap

You have the six love busters that couples should avoid in their marriage. To reduce marital conflicts and enhance romantic love.

• Selfish demands
• Disrespectful judgements
• Angry outbursts 
• Dishonesty
• Annoying habits
• Independent behaviour 

Avoiding these love busters in your marriage is an excellent act of emotional intelligence.

Which of the six love busters are at play in your marriage? What are you willing to do about it?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

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Thanks for your time.